Am I The Narcissist? A Look At Inverted Narcissism
Once I requested my own therapist this question so a few years ago she answered "If you happen to had been the narcissist you would not be asking that question, because narcissist's won't see that the problem is with them." They're too busy projecting the issues onto these around them.
Nevertheless our own narcissism is an issue value exploring in more detail. For instance: Why will we ask that question to begin with. What's it that makes us feel we're the narcissist?
In talking to a shopper at present I had an enormous realization. She was telling me how she was at all times disillusioned in her earlier boyfriends or partners. They just didn't measure as much as her expectations. As we dug a little bit deeper she explained how she has wavered between emotions of superiority and emotions of inferiority. She has built her own illusion or thought of who she was which in her personal reality placed herself upon a pedestal. So in a sense she was doing the same thing a narcissistic personality would do. She sheltered herself from her emotions of inferiority by placing herself upon a pedestal. That pedestal created a false confidence.
So when the narcissistic personality comes into her life her false confidence is initially mirrored by the narcissist who displays to her the image worthy of the pedestal she has positioned herself upon. However because the relationship progresses her feelings of inferiority are triggered as he projects his personal inferiority upon her. Now she is experiencing the feeling of getting her mate disappointed in her inadequacy just as she has been upset in past companions for his or her inadequacy.
What is the distinction than between the narcissistic accomplice and the one who feels abused? Compassion and Empathy! The consumer I used to be talking to at the moment, recognized together with her companions feelings of superiority and in addition with his feelings of inadequacy. She had empathy for him. She didn't want to see him harm because she is aware of how painful it's to expertise those self same kinds of feelings. A pathological narcissist could give a rip about his partners hurt feelings. He is only concerned with himself and his own needs.
The inverted narcissist, as Sam Vaknin calls it, is the proper match for the pathological narcissist. Because when their false selves meet, the phantasm of who they believe themselves to be is strengthened to a point the place it might really feel like Cinderella meeting her prince who takes her out of her hell hole, the place she is made to wear rags and sweep ashes all day. All of the sudden she is swept off her ft, she fits the glass slipper completely, and is carried off to the Castle adorned with lovely robes and riches match for the queen she is.
Perhaps in this fairy story, Cinderella at all times fantasized herself to be a queen, but she lived the reality of being an ash maiden. She was ridiculed and condemned by those around her and made to feel unworthy of the good things in life. However she would show them someday. She would show them she was really a queen.
For these of us who come from painful childhoods where we had been by some means made to really feel inferior, we are able to easily create fantasy worlds the place we escape into never never land. We imagine ourselves as fairy princesses and that imagine our prince using up on a white horse and sweeping us off our toes, carrying us from our humble reality to a great castle where we are handled as a queen should be treated.
In the psychic realm the psychosis of the pathological narcissist is a superb match for the fantasy world of the inverted narcissist. Because on the planet of make imagine a great fantasy is created where the King and the Queen of by no means never land get together and journey off into the sunset. It is such a lovely love story, within the beginning.
But all glass slippers finally break and so do the glass houses the "superb" couple reside in. There love shouldn't be constructed on anything real, but relatively an phantasm of perfection created by both parties. She is saying "be my prince" and he is saying "be my queen." But once they settle into the Castle the true selves start to emerge. The feelings of inferiority begin to surface. Both partners don't really want to be discovered, less they danger shedding their status upon that pedestal. "What if she finds out I am really a frog?" He may think. And he or she would possibly marvel "what if he is aware of the truth of me, that I'm solely an ash sweeper?"